That’s how I feel right now. I am writing the meanest and nastiest letter… That I won’t send because I know I’ll regret it. This is the worst and nastiest letter I’ve ever written. The hate I feel right now is beyond anything I’ve ever felt. I am so fucking angry right now; I’m shaking. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about anyone. Treat people how you want to be treated, otherwise they’ll end up resenting you forever. Apologize when you’ve done something wrong. Sometimes an apology is all that’s needed. Acknowledge your wrong doings and be humble; you are not right.
Quick doodle after doing some concepts for a big illustration for a client. I need to draw more. :’D I honestly wish I had the time to do this more. I keep thinking back to how I used to just draw for fun. I didn’t really care if my drawings were good or not. It was just great to see a finish piece done and to share it with everyone.
Lately, I’ve been questioning whether I want to transition or not into illustration. Don’t get me wrong, I love design, but I’ve been sort of unlucky in the sense that I didn’t really fall into the design area I wanted to be in. When I graduated, I imagined I would be working at a firm, sitting down with a client and designing different branding pieces, books, collateral material, package design, etc. I know working at a design firm is all that glamourous. I know there are boring government jobs and lots of clients that destroy your design pieces for the sake of having things “pop”. But it’s nice to get the variety, the opportunity to be creative and to push my brain to conceptualize ideas. Instead, I landed into production and editorial. I hate production. It’s boring, no creativity, monotonous and I became a complete robot. Because my first design job was so crappy, my next one wasn’t any better. It’s easy to get work in the same field if you have the experience. Even when I tried to find something better, either firms weren’t hiring, or I didn’t have enough experience in the field to get the job.
Of course doing so much of that boring stuff really didn’t help me become anymore creative. It really just fries your brain cells doing the same repetitive work. I do work at a job now where I do get to be more creative. It’s really helped me improve. I was extremely rusty when I first started my job. When I look back at all my editorial layouts from a year ago, I’m embarrassed that I produced stuff that bad. It wasn’t long until I just decided to let go and have more fun with design again. I was actually allowed to be creative with the layouts. But that’s all becoming boring; I want more.
These past few months have really started to burn me out. Ever since the Christmas rush, I haven’t fully recovered from it all. As soon as I get home from work, I don’t want to do anything; I just want to veg out. And yet, I take on illustration freelance on the side. As soon as I get home from work, I am working more at home. I think I need to go on a vacation/break because I feel mentally exhausted.
All this is making me yearn to do more creative things. I just wish I had the time and energy. I get excited about projects all the time, but by the end of the day, I have no energy to execute them. I wish I could just quit my job, relax and do what I enjoy doing but still have income! I wish!
I should be doing some sketches for an illustration I have to do by the 15th, but I think I’ll just whip out some ideas before bed. I think I have more freedom with this one, so I’m kind of excited about it and I’m kind of not. But I suppose we will see how things turn out!
So last week, all the women at the office were signed up for a motivational seminar. We all agreed to it thinking it was because it was during work hours. :’D But it turned out, it was after work, on a Thursday evening and it was three hours long! We were all not impressed and regretted agreeing to anything. I also had to miss yoga that night!
So we get there, thinking that this was going to be a drag and a bit annoyed we had to stay so late on a work night. We looked around the room and there was nothing but senior ladies. Not to mention the boss that signed us up for it wasn’t even there yet! Then heard from other girls that she might not even come. But alas, 15 mins late, and holding up the whole event, she walks in with her daughter. Then we all braced ourselves for the rest of the night!
But to our surprise, as the main presenter began talking, we were all completely drawn in. I have never in my life, ever been to a presentation and listened to someone talk for 2 hours being absolutely in engaged and picturing what she was describing. She was a wonderful speaker and really inspired all of us to move towards our dream. The seminar was basically that, pursuing your passion and really just going for it. Her story was absolutely amazing. Her story was so detailed and interesting that there’s no way I could possibly repeat what she said. Long story short, when she was 28 she absolutely hated her job, was extremely depressed, upping her anti-depressants, and contemplated killing herself every time she got off work. But after being given a stress leave, she went to Cuba and a light went on when she went to see a show, discovering she wanted to dance. From there, she quit her job and took dance lessons and tried to make a career out of it. After many many failed attempts, she finally had a big break and it all fell into place.
I wish I wrote this entry last week when it was all fresh and I was completely in awe with her story. She really got me all fired up about wanting to pursue my passion and making the steps to get it to happen. I’m always in a slump and feeling I’m not good enough. She herself even admitted that she’s not that great of a dancer but because she loved it so much, her passion showed through.
I think my favorite quote of the night was: "If you moved towards something, it will move towards you". Honestly, if I had the money I would have hired her as my life coach (which is what she does now). She is amazing. I think a life coach is what I need in my life. Someone to hear me talk about my dreams, ideas, passions and push me to make the steps to make it happen. They would make me accountable for the things I said and follow up.
It sounds like such simple steps to get things to happen, but really, it isn’t. If it was, I would have my own studio already working for big clients and believing my work is really something. Somewhere along the line, I let fear and failures cloud the things I love to do. But I’m hoping the remnants of her story will stay with me and inspire me on those days where I wanna give up. But really, what do I have to lose, right? Another great quote that night, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."
Anyway, if you’re interested in getting to know who I was talking about, check out her page. :3 I really recommend seeing one of her seminars if she ever is near by where you are. She’s originally from Vancouver, so I would assume she has a few seminars around that area. She is pretty well known now too, so I’m sure she does a few in different cities.